Life...

I am not really sure what the point is in writing here considering very few if any people will see or read this yet here I am. I feel as though a lot has happened in the last year and that I have lived, loved, and lost.

I have lived through loving someone as a friend so deeply that not only, just a year ago, I lost a friend but I lost myself.

Dear Friend,

I am told that I did nothing wrong, that I am a good person, that I was right in betraying a friend for another. However, everyday it is always in the back of my mind that I did everything wrong, that I am not a good person, that I am a great betrayer of a friendship so precious. I have no clue how to pick myself out of the hole that I am for it is so deep the light seems so ever far away.

In someways I wish as though I could stop thinking about it, to be just done and over with it, to just be happy with that part of my life done and gone. My heart and my head however will not let it go and desire to be able to piece back what was that friendship, what could be, what I hope would be even at minimal a friendship will not go away.

All I can do is say I am sorry. Sorry that I betrayed our friendship. Sorry that you can't believe in me anymore. Sorry that I am not worthy of being your friend. At the same time I want you to know that you caused me pain that you not only betrayed one person but many, including me. I want to know that you truly are sorry for what transpired, for what was said, for what was done. I want to know that you realize you are not innocent and not free from being guilty in this situation. I want to know that you are the person that I have always seen (beautiful, loving, strong, faithful). I want to know that you are sorry.

I had this fantasy of us spending time together after this happened. For me to be able to ask you questions about your faith as I felt a connection through you. To be able to spend time with you, the real you, the you I knew had been there all these years but never showed. But that won't happen now. The only way I have been coping at all with this is with the wonderful man in my life encouraging me that everything will be alright eventhough I feel as though it never will be.

It kills me to know that when I said goodbye that day on the steps at my house that I knew it was the last time I would see you...

~Yours Truly